Just another night…
I’m tired but I can’t sleep. It’s hot and I like to burrow under the covers which makes it even hotter and more uncomfortable. So I just have to wait until my tired body and mind can no longer stay awake and finally succumb to the heat.
In the meantime, I thought I would post something.
I have this whole weekend to myself. Not only that but I have very few plans. These weekends are so rare these days that I’ve come to regard them as sacred time. But with sacred alone time, I also have the freedom to think. Think a lot. And my mind likes to think. It likes to think long after I have pleaded with it to stop. And yet, it is still sacred time. The reason I ask it to stop is because it goes places I don’t want to go and makes me think about feelings I would rather repress. But alas, it wins. Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.” So to separate myself from my mind is often nothing more than a power struggle.
So, what am I thinking about. I’m thinking about turning points. I’m thinking about the future and what I want it to look like. And I am trying to figure out if my ideals have a chance at reality, and how important or unimportant some of those ideals are. What is realistic and what isn’t? I’m a dreamer. But I’m also chronically dissatisfied which leaves me at a crossroad. Will anything ever be good enough for me? Will anything ever live up to my standards? The dreamer in me says I can find that. The cynic in me says stop dreaming. There must be a balance.
Then I start thinking about missed opportunities and the what might have been. Did I choose safety over chance? Can one make the wrong choice? I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I can say that, in my life, the choices I’ve made (both positive and negative), have all made sense when I look back on the road I’ve walked. The what if’s are simply what if’s. But what if “what if” is still possible, just that it’s now in the future? And do I chance that?
I’ve tested fate before and fate won – but I do love a challenge.
